The fashion conscious pooch
Space Cadet, 06/03/2001
"My Cavalier loves his Top Coat and it keeps his feathering
wonderfully clean."A satisfied Top Coat customer,
Portland, Oregon
My family used to have a dog called Suilvan. She was a
big, fluffy Golden Retriever and, to those who met her, she was the
happiest, friendliest dog of all time. Children, grannies and
burglars alike could appreciate Suilvan's good-natured temperament.
She would run around outside, rolling in the grass, the snow and
the mud. Then Suilvan would come inside and shed about a kilo of
dog hair on the carpet, together with the grass, snow, mud and
anything else she'd picked up. Occasionally, she'd bring in a small
dead animal as a present.
Suilvan had a collar with her name on a little dog tag. She also
had a favourite blanket in her sleeping basket. She was a dog of
simple tastes, without clothes, mirror or wardrobe. Suilvan was a
pooch of the 80s and in the 80s, Suilvan and her doggy pals were
not into designer clothing.
Dogs of the 21st century are different. Check out
K9TopCoat.comfor
evidence.
K9 Top Coats are designer lycra suits for your pooch, not unlike
cat suits (no pun intended). Think: Jane Fonda meets Lassie. The
point of the Top Coat, which you can order on-line, is to reduce
"the amount of dog hair and dander left on carpet, furniture,
bedding and clothes" (I don't know what dander is either – I'm
guessing it's fluffy stuff).
The Top Coat also keeps fur from matting due to snow or mud.
These sound like reasons that would have persuaded my mum to buy a
Top Coat for Suilvan. Except that the concept of Suilvan looking
like a four-legged, rabbit-chasing Jane Fonda (with tail) slightly
alarms me.
Top Coats come in a choice of colours – elegant Royal Blue,
dashing Red, mysterious Black, cheerful Turquoise, revolting
Tartan. Measure your dog's back, girth and front leg, then order
on-line. $57.50 for a size 1 (small), $74.50 for a size 12 (XL).
Please note that modification will be required for Basset Hounds
and Dachshunds.
Be strategic when choosing the colour. Corgis will want the
Royal Blue, obviously. Black will look best on the tough-guy guard
dog or perhaps the fuller-figured dog. And the Tartan Top Coat (a
bizarre combination of pale yellow, pink and light blue) will be a
good deterrent if your bitch is on heat – although neutering seems
more humane.
The site claims the Top Coat "allows your dog the freedom to be
a dog". But I'm a little concerned about what it will do for the
dog's confidence. I think Suilvan would have developed a Jane Fonda
complex. Her lycra might not have been as tight or as snazzy as
Bess's (the dog next door). What if Suilvan was a size 10 and Bess
was a size 6? What if Suilvan just didn't have the figure for
lycra? The peer pressure would be awful. There was little vanity
when dogs wore nothing but a collar, as in Suilvan's heyday. I
might be more amenable to Top Coats if they also came in
baggy-denim or Gap-style combats.
I discussed Top Coats with James, a dog lover. He was concerned
that the dogs could not shed their hair. James said: "The purpose
of dogs is to moult. That's what they do.Especially on cream or
other light coloured carpets." And I think James might be right.
What concerns me even more is how owners get their dog to stay in
its Top Coat. Look at this testimonial -
"We can leave Shelby alone with Winston now without having
to worry about either of them pulling out her staples. Thank-you
for developing the K9 Top Coat."Shelby's owner,
Rosamond, California
Shelby! Run away! Run, Shelby! Run!
Cat lovers may find this hilarious. But it's arguably less cruel
than the cat-scan site at cat-scan.com (now gone) – a site that
invites you to send in scanned pictures of your cat. To clarify
what this is about, it's not a picture ofyour cat that you scan;
rather,you scan the cat itself. Only one person mentioned seems
thoughtful enough to have given his cat a pair of sunglasses to
wear for the scanning.
