Going... Going... Gone Completely Mad
Space Cadet 12/01/2001
Don't suppose you're looking to buy 129 cases of one-year-old
frozen bacon? Or maybe I could interest you in a set of 14 coffins,
each with authentic smoke damage? Ideal for vampire-wannabes with a
cremation fetish. OK, would 25,000 kilos of stale fish float your
boat?
If your answer is "Damn it that's exactly what I was looking
for!," you'd better hurry – all are bargains ready to be snapped up
at SalvageSale.com, one
of thousands of internet auction sites selling anything you can
imagine. As they say, one man's batch of cow lungs (100,000 of
them) is another man's treasure.
However, if your answer to the question is "Hey you crazy fool,
what use is all that junk when all I really want are Elvis
Presley's dental records?" – then I'm afraid you're too late.
They've already gone, for $4,500 on eBay.com. This medical memorabilia,
dating from 1967, came with a genuine drop of The King's blood
which had splattered one of the papers.
Francis D. Cornworth from Miami (aged 17) recently tried to
auction his virginity on eBay. "Bidding on me will start at $10,"
declared young Francis. He gave his credentials – virgin
(obviously), top 5% of his class, plays trumpet in jazz band. A
real catch, by the sound of it. What's more, "If you live in
Florida, I could probably meet you halfway up to Orlando in my
Honda Civic." Sadly, hoax or not, a repressed minion at eBay
removed his auction within 24 hours of its appearance.
There's a gallery of past auction items at DisturbingAuctions.com. My
favourite sales were:
Other on-line auctions have offered Adolf Hitler's martini
shaker, teapots and watercolours, a surface to air missile (warhead
not included), a rocket launcher (separate sale, but ideal if you
scooped the missile), a grandma and a human kidney.
The latter was offered by a Florida man (not young Francis, who
appears to be firing on all cylinders). Bidding started at $25,000
on eBay: The offer read:
"Fully functional kidney for sale. You can choose either kidney.
Buyer pays all transplant and medical costs. Of course, only one
for sale, as I need the other one to live. Serious bids only."
Bidding reached $5.7 million before those spoil-sports at eBay
HQ got in the way. If the frustrated seller is reading this, I
suggest that he buys the 25 tons of stale fish going cheap at
SalvageSale.com. He should then check out eBay's site for a
suitable delivery address. It's listed under "Contact
Information".
