Simon and the Witch
Space Cadet, 01/12/2000
Simon has slept with a witch. I know this is true because Simon
(not his real name) is a good friend of mine and he wouldn't lie.
It happened in Brisbane. Simon was visiting Trevor (again, not his
real name) who was then working in Australia.
They were in a bar. Simon was attracted to a girl who was
dancing with her friend on a table. He says he "gave her some
chat." One thing led to another and they wanted to find somewhere
for the night -except that Simon was staying in a youth hostel and
Michelle (her real name) lived with her fiancé. Michelle suggested
returning to her friend's place. There was a condition: the friend
was a lesbian and keen to "try" a man - so Trevor obliged. OK, I
know what you're thinking, but bear with me. It's true.
They went back to the house of the friend. It was a so-called
"Queenslander" house - wooden, old, with veranda. Inside, Simon
described there being a canary in a cage beneath a towel, no TV, no
curtains and mannequins strewn around the house. Mannequins with
pubic hair. I promise, the story isn't that bad. Michelle's buddy
and Trevor went upstairs so that Trevor could sow the seeds of the
most Jeremy Clarkson-esque story he's ever likely to tell.
Downstairs, Michelle put some fairy music on the hi-fi: chanting,
singing, basically weird.
Nothing physical happened that night between Simon and Michelle.
As for Trevor and his catch, we may never know. Instead, Michelle
explained to Simon that she was in love with him. A bit hasty,
perhaps. But not as surprising as her assertion that she would cast
a spell to ensure they loved each other forever. That's when
Michelle explained that she and her friend were witches.
You may not believe it. It's a story, and you don't know Simon.
So instead, trust the internet, a bubbling cauldron of witchcraft.
Witches, I've learned, do not fly on broomsticks, turning small
children into newts. They're quite nice, actually. The spell that
Michelle proposed to cast is described at New Moon. If you want
to attract the lover you desire, you will need only these
ingredients:
- Protection incense (herbs or oils work
fine also)
- Red 8" taper candle
The spell takes 3 days, but as Diana Ross and the Supremes (none
of them witches) once sang, you can't hurry love. When setting up
the area for casting your spell, keep negative thoughts from your
mind. Bathe in purification herbs while concentrating on the
purpose of your spell.
Then go to your work area, light some incense and cast your
circle (explained on the same site). Envision a pink ball of light
surrounding you and your work area. Hold the candle between your
palms. Direct all your energy into the candle. Place candle in
candle holder. Say aloud "This candle represents the love between
(your name) and (name of intended lover)."
Light the candle and say: "As I light this candle, the love
between my intended lover and me grows strong. Our love is such,
that all feels the attraction. As this candle burns, it draws us
ever near. Powerful is the persuasion! (Intended lovers name)'s
days are long and filled with yearning for me. (Intended lovers
name)'s nights are long and filled with desire for me. To be as
one, together, is all that (name) would wish. To be as one, forever
is (name)'s immediate need. For no rest shall she/he find, until
she/he is by my side!" Sit and meditate and concentrate on your
intended lover and the desire that person has for you. Concentrate
on your desire for your lover. When the candle has burned 1/3 of
the way, say "My lover will come to me" and blow out the candle.
Repeat this for two more nights. Your desire will come to you.
Easy-peasy. Order spell books
here.
Burning candles can be messy, of course, and witches can be
given away by the wax stains in their carpets. Simon can't recall
seeing any wax stains on Michelle's friend's carpets, but maybe she
had been to witchs-brew.com, a site that gives handy tips for the
house-proud witch. El-Sharra at Witchs-Brew.com (site now
gone)asks, "What's the quickest way you have found to remove candle
wax?"
The answer: "Try a little gasoline on the spot- works great on
carpets... then just scrub the gas out with dishsoap and
water."
If you're also good with cleaning tips (or spells), help the
poor witch whose glass cauldron went up in flames while she was
burning candles with some herbs and paper in her bedroom. A few
bits of glass cauldron melted into her carpet and she's moving out
in a month. What can she do to stop her mother discovering the
holes? (Also from the late Witchs-Brew.com.)
Another witch (with a siteunder construction)is Viktoriya, a
20-year-old student from New York City. She lists her hobbies as
"Wicca, learning to throw darts, hanging out with friends, music,
computers, and many many more." Wicca is the hobby shared by
Michelle. Its a Neopagan religion. According to what I read, it is
based on symbols, seasonal days of celebration and deities from
ancient Celtic society, supplemented with Masonic and ceremonial
magical components. Although Wiccans generally consider themselves
to be Witches, not all Witches are Wiccans.
But what of Simon and Michelle? Well, Simon says Michelle didn't
scare him, confirming that witches do not conform to their
stereotype. Her nose was not crooked and she was cute, standing
just 5' 1" tall. She e-mailed Simon a number of times after his
return to the UK. Simon returned to Brisbane one year after first
meeting Michelle. They arranged to meet. Exactly one year after
their first liaison, they rekindled their relationship. And Simon
was turned into a newt. No, not really.
E-mail me some stuff toSpace.Cadet@out-law.com
This column is written by The Space Cadet. The comments and
views are his and his alone. They do not represent the views of the
OUT-LAW.COM team.
