Thomas Movies in Mysterious Ways

Space Cadet, 03/11/2000

Thomas A. Carder from Texas was a project manager in a nuclear power station in 1994 when late in his shift one night, "the anointing of the Lord filled him."

Thomas explains that the Lord gave birth that night to "a burden for the condition of childhood and the family" from which grew his web site, CAPalert.com. I'm not sure if Thomas means that the Lord is also IT literate and helped out with the HTML. But this is an entirely serious web site. It's full title is the ChildCare Action Project's Christian Analysis of American Culture – CAP for short – and it pokes an Evangelical finger at anything that dares to corrupt.

The biggest part of it is a collection of movie reviews. Lots of them. This guy watches as many movies as Barry Norman. The difference is that at least Barry likes some of them. According to the many reviews I read on Capalert.com, the only film Thomas has ever enjoyed – I kid you not – is Mary Poppins. Let me give an example:

• Females offering bed to male
• Use of the phrase "oversexed"
• Suggestive eye movement
• Inappropriate touch

These are just a few of the criticisms levelled by Thomas at the Placticine-triumph that was Chicken Run. "Also, I suspect Jesus would not approve of Mrs. Tweedy pinching the buttocks of Mr. Tweedy before a few million kids," he adds. Call me a heretic, but it was hardly The Exorcist, was it? Yet Thomas dutifully reviews that film too, and in it he counted "six uses of the most foul of the foul words, most by a young girl" among its many sins.

But it's the reviews of kids' films that surprised me most. Thomas takes issue with the "gross examination of a dog to determine its gender" in 101 Dalmations. And in the computer animation Antz he says there was a creature "drinking beer from the anus of another creature at least three times". I haven't seen it, but I'm guessing Thomas is seeing something that Steven Speilberg and Dreamworks missed. Antz' competitor movie, A Bug's Life, is accused of homosexual undertones - which is obviously the work of Satan. I missed that. Maybe you had to watch it backwards. There's also the sinister crime lessons of Lassie. Oh, and he didn't like that the feature length South Park portrayed Satan as a sensitive, loving and caring being and the homosexual lover of Saddam Hussein. OK, I'll give him that last one.

Thomas has to pay for all these cinema tickets somehow. So he invites his visitors to join CAP as a commissioned officer. A one-time gift to CAP of $10 gets you the rank of CAP Lieutenant. But if you really love your kids - and really care about their future - a monthly gift of $500 wins you peace of mind, the rank of a Five-star General and a subscription to CAP's newsletter.

So Thomas presumably gets cash to buy his ticket for each and every release and then sits in the cinema with clipboard, pen and reading-light, counting swear words and noting sacrilegious scenes, sacrificing himself for the benefit of the masses. He's pretty adept at this. I'd have missed, for example, the following scene in Jurassic Park:

"Of particular offence in the Sex/Homosexuality Investigation Area was inappropriate touching of a minor child by an adult. There is no need for any male actor, adult or otherwise, to touch the chest or groin area of a preteen girl, even in the name of Hollywood-style rescue"

Was this where Jeff Goldblum sinfully grabbed the child from the path of a hungry veloceraptor? Goodness me, how evil.

One movie I didn't enjoy much was American Psycho (I didn't like the book much, either, which makes me wonder why I went to see it). Anyway, I'm going to endorse Thomas on this one. Here's some features that he disliked about it:

• two uses of God's name in vain with the four letter expletive and 19 without
• two abbreviations of "Christmas" without "Christ"
• murder with a chainsaw as a spear
• sexual obsession over business cards
• chasing prostitute (while chaser is nude) with a chain saw
• smoking

Yup, its right up there with Lassie for its pure evil content. Unlike his hallowed Mary Poppins in which, "while there were several occurrences of magic, there was no evil or sinister intent in any of the magic."

Capalert.com offers even more. You might like to read Marlin Maddoux's essay, "The Mark of the Beast," embellished throughout by facts, statistics and comments from Thomas. The essay explains that the day will come when we will all have surgically implanted microchips in our foreheads and hands which will be the mark of the Anti-Christ. Apparently the MTV Generation has no fear of Big Brother taking over. "Through the entertainment media," warns Marlin, "Satan is conditioning our youth." I lost the thread of the argument somewhere around here. It concludes with an appeal for a special gift to Marlin of $50, $25 or even $15, which I understood better.

There's also an essay by Thomas called "Spare the rod, Spoil the child." Here's a little chunk:

"Like sheep, children are not born with the experience of maturity. We cannot expect children to know which way to go and what things to avoid. ...Applying the rod of correction to an errant child is indeed what should be done to place and keep children on the good and right path: Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell [Proverb 23:14]."

I got bored while reading it, but the gist of what he's saying, from what I can gather, is that violence on film is a bad influence on kids. But beating the crap out of them with a big stick will deliver their souls to Heaven. Amen.

If you Believe, please send your cheque for $50, $25 or even $15 to space.cadet@out-law.com. God bless.