It's fiction, Jim, but not as we know it

Space Cadet, 22/09/2000

"Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master and teacher of the ways of the Force, slammed the flat of his hand down on the button on his alarm clock as he nuzzled his face against his fellow Master—among other thing's—neck."

That's definitely not how I remember Star Wars, but it is how Jennifer Embree (whose GeoCities page is no longer with us), prolific fan fiction writer, sees its future. Fan fiction, or "fanfic," is a predominantly on-line art form that takes our favourite characters and subjects them to the humiliation of bad plotting, bad spelling, bad punctuation and bad grammar.

Star Wars is but one example. Fan fiction web sites exist on the internet for X-Men, the Wonder Years, Harry Potter, Xena, Warrior Princess, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, boy bands Backstreet Boys and Hanson, Holby City and countless others. Anyone can unleash their imaginations on their unsuspecting heroes and have their stories read by an audience of tens. But the crowned princes among these uber-nerds are, without doubt, the disturbingly horny aficionados of Star Trek.

I've never been a Trekie. But out of respect for a Trekie friend whom I'll call Tosh, I am going to say nothing negative about the programme. Tosh went to a Trekie convention once, but he neither dresses up in Spandex nor does he take lessons in Klingon from the William Shatner University of Milwaukee, so I will accept that my Trekie preconceptions are misplaced.

But there is no excuse for the plethora of Trekie fan fiction writers. It is God-awful. Accordingly, some bright sparks set up the Godawful Star Trek Fan Fiction site and helped me sort the truly horrendous from the merely insufferable.

"As Uhura entered the captain's quarters, she was overcome by the sight of Kirk standing shirtless and dripping with sweat," writes Johnny Bravo in classic fan fiction style.

The fiction covers all bases. An entire series has been written during which Star Trek characters interact not just with the usual Klingon fare, but also with the cast of The Lord of The Rings, ER and Thundercats. My Godawful guides reviewed the following poetry by Margaret, commenting that "this sad little disaster is short and sour. It's fifty percent cry for attention, fifty percent homage to McCoy, and one hundred percent crap.":

"One day watching the news
Seeing that old bones do die
With the tears held back, block up the lachrymal tear duct
For the elegant pipeline
Would surely betray me
And a flood of salt-water would show
I still pine for the ends of the universe
And beyond"

The following script, written in sub-English, was submitted for Star Trek Next Generation, by Paul Jacques H jr:

"Admiral Piett: What is this, you ship wasn't damage.
Picard: Your technology can affect us.
Admiral Piett: Impossible! Are calcs proves us otherwise.
Picard: Don't force us to fire back.
Admiral Piett: We have shields you know."

My personal favourite is entitled " Picard's Illumination" by Lorelei MacKenzie:

"Oh God!!!! Why??? Why Why Why???" Picard screamed in agony and fell to his knees. "Why did she do it?" he was sobbing so hard that he began to hiccup. "I (hic) loved (hic) her!"