On-line manual for nervous flyers

Space Cadet, 01/09/2000

I'll soon be flying to Geneva for a little Autumn break with Easyjet. I've always thought that what spam is to gourmet cuisine, Easyjet is to aviation. Perhaps that is why last night I was troubled by a bad dream about my journey.

I was comfortably seated aboard the chirpy-looking orange and white aeroplane, enjoying some complimentary Swiss beer (it was a dream, after all). We were flying at 33,000 feet and suddenly the engine coughed – just once. I put down my book ("The Wonderful Art of Thomas Kinkade" by Thomas Kinkade) and I looked anxiously out of the window. All seemed normal. Then the engine stuttered.

To my momentary relief, it caught again. But up front, I knew, the pilot would be tapping his fuel gauge, flicking some switches and shifting his sweaty cheeks from side to side in the big captain's seat. And then it happened, as it always does in the movies. The engine stutters exactly three times and then stops. The plane dips and plummets towards the snow-capped mountains. As in the movies, no further efforts are made to restart the plane.

And then I woke up. Later, while munching my muesli, I wondered what the chances are of that actually happening. The answer? 1 in 18,820,924, apparently. Similar to winning the lottery, so be warned because, well, it could be you. The statistic is according to this week's top site, Amigoingdown.com (sadly the site is now gone). It's the perfect destination for the nervous flyer.

Simply enter your name, destination and departure airports, month of travel, airline and type of plane and click the "Am I Going Down?" button. The site then displays "personalised mortality statistics", i.e. the chances of me dying on my trip. I did have to check Easyjet's web site to confirm my plane type (a Boeing 737-300), but apart from this, I received an efficient and courteous service from the site. I was a tad uncertain as to whether 1 in 18,820,924 is good, never having been in many plane crashes before, but Amigoingdown.com reassured me – it told me that 1 in 18,820,924 is "really quite good for this route". Phew.

The web site also gives Handy Hints for the Nervous Traveller.

For instance, fly on non-stop routes to minimise the number of times you take off and land (when 70% of accidents occur). Most of us ignore the pre-flight safety announcement, we're too busy salivating at the prospect of a tiny bag of salted nuts. But if it came to the crunch, would you know whether the escape door opens outwards, upwards or downwards? Or would you be too busy guzzling the contents of the drinks trolley to ponder such a question?

On seating plans, I learned from the site:

"If you're seated by the wing it probably means you're not elderly, handicapped, pregnant, obese or a child. This is because there are normally self-help exits in the form of over-wing hatches that need to be operated by the passengers sitting next to them. They can be quite heavy and need to be thrown out to get to the evacuation path on the wing."

Oh, and if you plonk yourself down only to look directly up and see the telly, you should be worried. According to the site there is a possibility that, with bad turbulence, it might just fall on your head. Still, if it is not you and you get a good view of the telly bouncing off the old Swiss man's head then it could be more amusing than the in-flight repeat of Mr Bean.