Cat scans and toilet training

Space Cadet, 25/08/2000

Cat lovers should watch out for Cliff Bleszinski's cat-scan site at cat-scan.com (now gone). It's a site that invites owners to send in scanned pictures of their cat. This doesn't involve scanning a picture your cat – instead, you scan the cat itself.

As one observer put it, "imagine your cat photographed from underneath by a beetle paparazzo with a whopping great flashgun". Not much I can add to that, except that Cliff (who calls himself a cat lover) warns users to "keep the ******* light out of the cat's eyes",  and claims that, "if the cat looks like it is in serious pain, if you have to hurt the cat to scan it, your entry will not be allowed."

In fairness, most of these cats seem indifferent to the scanning, especially the one sporting tiny sunglasses.

If you don't think your cat would willingly subject itself to a scanning for your amusement, maybe you can argue that it shouldn't be so selfish and that it should at least learn to use the toilet. There is a wealth of information on-line to help you civilise your kitty in this way. No more filthy cat. Some of them have even learned to flush.

The training of Micha (link now gone), a big fluffy grey cat, is well documented. Karawynn Long (Micha's proud owner and international authority on feline squat positions), explains:

"The very most important thing to remember is: Lid Up, Seat Down. Post a note on the back of the door or the lid of the toilet if you think you (or your housemates or guests) might forget."

Training seems to be all about moving the litter box gradually – letting your kitty think there's nothing sinister afoot. Basically, you move the cat's litter box closer and closer to the loo over a period of weeks, then start to elevate it with a supply of phone books, until kitty learns to jump up to the box. Eventually, the box is removed and kitty uses the toilet. Soon you can have him or her out-performing small children (but make sure you read the site for the not-to-be-missed intermediate steps). The web site includes pretty pictures of Micha showing off his fully trained toilet prowess and advanced squatting posture. "Note", writes Karawynn, "the look of firm concentration." Micha sounds like top entertainment for all the family.

The FAQs give further insights. If you're training multiple moggies, more attention is needed: "You don't want to be scolding the cat who's doing it properly, or praising someone for peeing in the wrong place," advises Karawynn. "If you're unlucky, your worst student may incite the others into carpet-dousing rebellion."

If you're not around to keep watch though, and you're able to determine that one cat is messing up, "you could try confining him to a cat-carrier when you're not around to watch him, and then devote particularly intense training to that one cat." Which sounds a bit harsh to me. I mean, why not just shove him into the scanner for the afternoon?