Victims of hate
Space Cadet, 04/08/2000
I would never condone assault. But if you've ever been irritated
by someone speaking obnoxiously on a mobile phone, you too might
appreciate PhoneBashing.com.
Their mission statement: "KILL MOBILE PHONES! KILL MOBILE
PHONES!" It's just six short video clips of two guys dressed in big
(stolen) rubber phone costumes jumping people in the street. Their
victims' only crime was using or even just carrying a mobile phone
(although one guy is also guilty of being "involved" with a white
BMW). The site's authors are careful to point out that nobody was
refunded for the loss of their phone.
There is something deeply satisfying about watching a phone
being snatched and smashed on concrete by people in silly phone
costumes, then seeing the hapless victim realise there is no Jeremy
Beadle character in the shadows. It's cruel, stupid and illegal,
but I can't help liking it. Grab 4 is my favourite – a cider
drinker in platform shoes ("What are you doing?!! ****ing
maniacs!!", she yells) getting her just desserts.
As the name suggests, WhoWouldYouKill.com is
another site with few nice things to say. The format is
straightforward: you pick a television series from the site's vast
range, you select a character from the series (handy thumbnail
pictures provided), and then you enter the plot of your victim's
final scene. It seems compulsory for the mini-screenplays to be
both sick (really sick) and spelled badly.
The site is popular - over 10,000 people went to the trouble of
inventing gruesome deaths for Buffy the Vampire Slayer's mum. I'm
very worried about what this says for the kids of today.
I've picked some of the more innocent plots to give you an
idea...
Series: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I Would Kill... Buffy Summers
Final scene: Her face erupts painfully
and slowly into that of a scaly komodo dragon with acne and she is
then attacked by an army of rabid weasels. Then she is thrown into
a nice, hot, rotissery grill and eaten by a tribe of cannabalistic
little people.
Series: Mr Bean
I Would Kill... Mr Bean (the only choice
of character, in fact).
Final Scene: I would shove teddy down Mr
Bean's throat 'till he choked to death
Series: Batman
I Would Kill... Batman
Final Scene: Adam West will have his
flabby Bat-gut mercilessly punched again and again until he's too
weak to defend himself.
Series: Scooby Doo
I Would Kill: Scrappy
Final Scene: I've been begging for years
for someone to kill that little mongrel! Damn b****** was the death
knell for The Scooby show... I would just feed the b****** some
anti-freeze. Then I'd chop him up into Scooby snacks. Plus I'd make
sure that Shaggy actually got a morsel of food in his mouth for
once.
Series: Ally McBeal
I Would Kill: Ally McBeal
Final Scene: Snap her in half like the
stick of celery she really is then give her the same fate as John
Cage's stupid frog. Extra Crispy please!
Series: Frasier
I Would Kill: [All of them]
Final Scene: [we couldn't print any of
these. Too horrid/weird/sick.]
