Primate Paranoia

Space Cadet, 20/08/2004

They say that if you give enough monkeys enough time they'll eventually produce the works of Shakespeare. Just like that, they insult monkeys and a dead guy. Well, recent events give the Space Cadet reason to believe that our genetic cousins may be higher up the evolutionary ladder than we think.

Scientists in America recently discovered that monkeys know justice when they see it. The men in white coats 'employed' monkeys to do various tasks, and paid them in fruit. For some monkeys, the currency was cold, hard cucumber. Others got grapes. And monkeys, it appears, like grapes. A lot. They are less enamoured with cucumber, but will eat it all the same. So when the chumps on the cucumber roll saw the chimps on the grape packet – for the same freakin' job, man! – they went on strike. Similar remuneration schemes have operated at fast-food chains for years, but spot the difference: do these guys catch on and down tools? No. Outsmarted by McFurrys.

Still not convinced? Well, monkeys can fight crime too. According to Sify.com, Indian police, recently on the hunt for the stolen Golden Idol of Madan Mohana, were searching the gardens of the Jagannath Temple without success. That was until a monkey snitch beckoned one of the officers and pointed down a well where the statue was stashed. The Golden Idol of Madan Mohana was recovered, a Hardy Boys title was coined, and a cheeky monkey found he had a policeman in his pocket.

Such intelligence is attractive to some, which might explain the monkey thefts that are sweeping the UK. BBC News Online has reported three separate ape-nappings within the space of four months, with monkey-rustlers taking 15 prize specimens in the latest attack in Oban, a small Scottish town with many monkey residents.

Now the Space Cadet isn't holding himself out as some sort of Sherlock Holmes (although I look good in a deer-stalker), but surely all this monkey business can't be coincidence? Police have suggested that the pinched primates are being sold on as high-value pets. Had they checked? I doubt it. So I went on-line in search of an under-the-counter monkey.

The most obvious source of discount apes, eBay, was useless: no genuine live monkeys; although there was an abundance of novelty merchandise from cult 1970s Japanese TV hit Monkey. Oh those were happy, simple, days: when a bloke with long side burns (Monkey), a fat man with a glued-on snout (Piggy), and an unfortunate chap with a bit of a flat face (Horse) could be kung-fu heroes.

A fruitless review of newsgroups followed. There were listings aplenty for groups promising I could spank my monkey – but clearly I need to get the monkey before I can get down to spanking it.

My last resort was Loot.com.

"WANTED: monkey, marmoset, or unusually hairy baby. Must be capable of climbing trees, eating bananas and general monkeying around. No time-wasters."

Responses were poor. The closest I got was a phone call from a man who tried to sell me some novelty breasts. I had to explain the difference between a marmoset and a mammary-set.

So it appears there is no market for second hand monkeys in the UK. Who, then, is going round releasing them all? And where are they going? I tell you – this whole thing stinks. Stinks of monkey.

You want know what I think is going on? The monkeys are using those wise old monkey brains, that's what. They're organising themselves, and travelling the country staging jail-breaks until they gather strength. And then... oh, I daren't think.

I'm sensing Planet of the Apes paranoia. We can't have that. No, we need to work with the monkeys, not against them. So if you're a human reader, please, let your inner-Tarzan respect the monkey. Let your inner-Michael Jackson love the monkey. And if you're a monkey reader, perhaps taking a break from your unfinished sonnet, know this: we're not that different. Humans don't like cucumber either.

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This column is (normally) written by The Space Cadet. The comments and views are his and his alone. They do not represent the views of the OUT-LAW.COM team.